Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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