it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
