There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
