I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize