Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize