I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
