Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
