I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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