If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize