I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
