how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
