She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
