Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
