I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
