I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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