dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
