drinking out of a sandbucket again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
