Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
