I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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