Betty ford says i'm here all night
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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