So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
