#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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