FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
