sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
