I got chris browned last night
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
