I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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