so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize