Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
