I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
