Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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