my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
