so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Please don't give away my fajitas
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
