just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
