a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
