ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
