the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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