I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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