I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
