I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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