He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
