Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
