I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
