I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
