So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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