I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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