why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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