it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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