My liver just broke up with me...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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