Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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