Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
