Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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