I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize