Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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