Tell her she can't have a vagina
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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